What’s Going On? 

–Anon.

It was reported today that UK Labour Party leader Keir Starmer hired an Israeli spy to join his Shadow Cabinet.

London is aghast and abuzz. To quote the inimitable Marvin Gaye: What’s Going On?

Two theories are making the rounds.

Theory #1.  Starmer (pronouns: schmuck/schnook) is being blackmailed by Israeli intelligence agencies.  It will be recalled that Starmer’s first initiative upon assuming leadership of Labour (after Jeremy Corbyn’s ouster) was to expel all Party members who doubted the congenital superiority and natural perfection of Jews. 

One long-time member was even expelled after it was discovered that she referred to Dame Margaret (Hodge) (pronouns: cow/bovine) as a cow when the context demanded bovine.  (The case is now before the Equality and Human Rights of Jews and Only Jews Commission.)

Needless to say, Sturmer’s actions set off wide speculation.

It was immediately noted the orthographic proximity of Keir Starmer with the notorious Nazi publication Der Sturmer.  It was also noted the proximity of the Eichmann Trial (1961) with Starmer’s birth (1962). It was also noted that just before his hanging, Eichmann reportedly fathered a child with a trans prison guard. It was also noted Starmer’s physiognomic resemblance to Ernst Kaltenbrunner.  (Kaltenbrunner had the second lowest I.Q. of the Nazis tried at Nuremberg, which was said to be further circumstantial evidence pointing to the Starmer connection.) It was further noted that in schmuck youth Starmer wore jackboots to the senior prom and reportedly also on the night schnook ceased to be a virgin.  It is also indicated in Court papers from shmuck divorce proceedings that, according to Starmer’s first wife, schnook liked to crawl on all fours and shout, Whip me Ilse, Whip me, Commandant Koch.  It was also noted that, according to shmuck’s youtube history, Starmer repeatedly watched the climactic scene in Seven Beauties when the protagonist is forced to pleasure the prison guard. In the comments section, Starmer affixed ten )

Of course, none of this evidence is dispositive, but it fueled the speculation that Starmer was being blackmailed by the Mossad. 

The most recent development, however, has spurred a new theory: The honey trap.

Theory #2. It was noted that Israeli whistle-blower Mordecai Vanunu was captured by the Mossad after he was lured in a honey-trap set by a sultry Zio.  It was also noted that New Jersey Governor James McGreevey hired a cute Israeli “escort” named Golan Cipel (pronouns: hot/ass) as New Jersey Homeland Security Chief, although Cypel’s only prior homeland experience was securing a leaky pipe under hot kitchen sink.  It was also noted that Starmer’s new Israeli spy hire, Assaf Kaplan (pronouns: uber/mensch), scored five chili peppers on both J-Date and Zio-Date.  It was also reported that at Kaplan’s private swearing-in ceremony, Starmer was wearing those same prom boots. 

The word on the street is that MI6 has been called in.  But that has added a new twist to the case: It was discovered that Starmer had these pictures hanging in his private bathroom. 

So it can only be wondered, as Marvin Gaye said, What’s going on?