By Comrade Kim Il-Pesto

http://pittnews.com/63307/news/symposium-smooth-after-controversy/

The inaugural National Security Symposium was acclaimed as a “big success” by Our Great Leader, Kim Il-Bonner.   (The Great Leader rushed in from the airport after winning the national Dodge Ball competition.)

“Except for a couple of communications errors,” Comrade Bonner said, “we should all feel proud of our smooth performance.”  (When he said “communications errors,” a hush swept the room, but then everyone applauded ecstatically on cue.)

The highlight of the evening was Comrade Luke Peterson’s speech.   Comrade Peterson boasted that Satellite Branch No. 11 (GPS Coordinate, Pittsburgh, PA) was an oasis of freedom in the otherwise decadent, hypocritical West.   (Comrade Sisco, the Party expert on human rights, was heard to whisper that Peterson’s public recantation the night before was the best he’d seen since the renegade Bukharin confessed to his crimes during the Purge Trials.)

A visiting delegate from the People’s Republic of San Diego told the audience how impressed she was by the Party’s discipline.  “You are a model of how to turn someone into a non-person.”  (The audience nodded in appreciation as she discreetly avoided mentioning his name.)

After the symposium, attendees chatted politely over wine and cheese.  (Muffled screams and desperate pleas for help could be heard from the adjoining room, but it was considered bad form to say anything.)